Oh, Mr. Eliot, I wish here and now would cease to matter, but everything in the present moment seems to matter too much. I have found myself a little lost in the dark woods and need to find my way out. I think I should go with what has always found me, literature. I need to start reading more and then writing. I have fallen into that dark place where fear and loneliness live. I don’t want to be there, I would rather feel calm and full of ideas, good ideas that is. My thoughts go over the dark things, the sad things and I long for something better.
I can’t make things go my way, and maybe that is a blessing in disguise as I don’t even know what my way looks like. I know deep down what makes me feel calm and content; writing when I know it is flowing well, reading a good book or poem, drawing, sitting on a grassy hill with a soft breeze looking at blue water, hugging my grandson, cooking a healthy meal, swimming, riding on a ferry boat, watching an engaging film. All these things calm me, give me inner peace, which sounds very zen of me but I think is is closer to “think on these things” kind of mentality than emptying myself.
Being alone is not a bad thing if you use the time constructively. I have a call, today I realized what that call was and now I intend to pursue it. I may not be the best at it, I may not even be that good, but I know that the gift I have of language, and the love I have of words is no accident, it has been the woof and weave of my life, that and my ability to draw.
So today is the first day, and tomorrow the second and I have to take it all a day at a time. I think what also hit me today was what Maryse said about death. She said that she felt she could die, that she had lived her life the best way she could, that she had many things to be thankful for and that she had had many adventures and experiences. She wanted more, but didn’t feel she needed more, and if she had time a plenty, great, if not, she was okay with that. What made me so impressed with what she said was that she does not believe in heaven, and I am not sure if she thinks that there is some kind of god or not. In her philosophy, she would simply cease to exist.
She would just stop “being”....unbeing I guess. I believe in God and heaven and eternity, and yet I fear death, feel there is so much more in life to do and feel I have barely touched the tip of the ice berg. I should feel peaceful and not care about death, for I believe one does not cease, but continues on in the presence of God. So, what is wrong? I think that both Maryse and I put emphasis on this life, here on earth. She thinks that this is all there is and she is satisfied, I think there is so much more and I want time to sort it out. I believe that there is a calling in this life, and that we are called to someone and not something. I may want to think I am called to be a writer, or an illustrator, but what I am really called to is God, and then because of God, I am to try and be the best writer and illustrator I can be (what soever you do in word or deed...). Not the best in the world, but the best that can come out of me, flaws and all. Maryse is the best at what she does for those around her, and for herself, which in the way of the world is commendable. But that is as far as it goes, there is no one thing greater than that. That is why I strive with Life (capitol L) and she is content with it, willing to let it go, willing to cease to exist. This is all there is, so learn to be happy with it. For me, there is so much more, so much untapped, unfelt, unexperienced, so much left to do. God could say, come home, that is all, but I know this is not what he is doing, I know, deep inside there is more. So, when Mr. Eliot says, “Love is nearly itself when here and now cease to matter” I think he means we place so much on the accomplishments of this life to define us, and we need to let Love define us in our true calling, the calling to God. The voice of this calling. Then we are able to live, and breath and have our being.