The flesh and blood world around me is difficult to decipher and separate from the cyber created world of information and superficial connection. I grow weary of it all sometimes. There is so much out there that is falsified, exaggerated and modified that finding the truth and trying to live by it can become a challenge. Trying to be in the world but not of it, yet loving this world so much creates a precarious balance. But, while weeding my way through the trash, the tedium, while working my way towards truth, there is a need to just pull out, to rest, to have that dark night of the soul.
Having been through a serious illness, and watched the ones dearest to you go through hell and back, and feeling helpless to do anything, leaves you breathless. I wake at night, feeling like I am suffocating, gasping a gulp of air as I come to consciousness. It is metaphorical, of course, but I still have the need to take a deep breath, as if this will convince me that I can and will keep breathing.
I am learning to let go. Like a tiny young swimmer clinging to the edge of the pool, I want to hang on and just kick my legs. But in doing this, I get nowhere. I need to let go in order to move. It is difficult, as my bent is to hold on fearfully, thinking that if I let go, the world as I know it will cease to be. But letting go is true freedom.
I listen for the calling, the voice that speaks softly, gently and most of all calmly. I listen for this voice and no other, as others scream, rant and lash out, accusing and not listening themselves. This still voice, I have learned, is the truth, the sanity in all the chaos, the savior in the midst of the storm.
I am healing, coming from that place of fear, coming to the calm, the silent world that I know. It is a beautiful world, tainted with terror and pain, but with amazing possibilities.