Friday, May 21, 2010

Mankind cannot bear too much reality


The flesh and blood world around me is difficult to decipher and separate from the cyber created world of information and superficial connection. I grow weary of it all sometimes. There is so much out there that is falsified, exaggerated and modified that finding the truth and trying to live by it can become a challenge. Trying to be in the world but not of it, yet loving this world so much creates a precarious balance. But, while weeding my way through the trash, the tedium, while working my way towards truth, there is a need to just pull out, to rest, to have that dark night of the soul.
Having been through a serious illness, and watched the ones dearest to you go through hell and back, and feeling helpless to do anything, leaves you breathless. I wake at night, feeling like I am suffocating, gasping a gulp of air as I come to consciousness. It is metaphorical, of course, but I still have the need to take a deep breath, as if this will convince me that I can and will keep breathing.
I am learning to let go. Like a tiny young swimmer clinging to the edge of the pool, I want to hang on and just kick my legs. But in doing this, I get nowhere. I need to let go in order to move. It is difficult, as my bent is to hold on fearfully, thinking that if I let go, the world as I know it will cease to be. But letting go is true freedom.
I listen for the calling, the voice that speaks softly, gently and most of all calmly. I listen for this voice and no other, as others scream, rant and lash out, accusing and not listening themselves. This still voice, I have learned, is the truth, the sanity in all the chaos, the savior in the midst of the storm.
I am healing, coming from that place of fear, coming to the calm, the silent world that I know. It is a beautiful world, tainted with terror and pain, but with amazing possibilities.

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