I am longing for a place of my own. A house, with room for a garden, a studio, grand kids, and people to come and stay. A house, a home, a place of refuge, a place of hospitality, a place to share and shelter. I have been trying to shake this longing, but to no avail. I try to tell myself that there are many many people in the world with no house, no home, who are displaced or seek refuge. I try to convince myself that I, like Paul, must learn to be content and that I, like Christ, have no place to lie my head.
But I still have a longing.
I have lived in many houses, big ones, small ones, nice ones...I have housed many people, from all over the world. I have cooked for and cared for other people's children. Now, in my autumnal days, I want to find some place that is mine, that cannot be sold out from under me, that I can tend to. Why do I feel so guilty for having this desire?
I wonder if I need to come to terms with where I am, the "bloom where you are planted" idea. Maybe I am just a restless soul who wants change, or maybe I need to learn to take care of what I am given. I don't know. But I have to trust that only good is in store for me, greater good that is for my own good. And if staying put and making some rooms into a home is what I am called to do, then I must heed the call and follow the voice that leads me on. I did fall in love with one house, somewhere in England but must accept that it is not mine and may never be.
Releasing your desire is difficult, but needed, if desire is to be redirected to the right place. I have to find that peace of mind and heart that allows me to live day to day with what I have. Give us this day our daily bread...for this day is all we are given. But be mindful that I am dust...and without a vision, the people perish. I can long for a house, but I cannot obsess for one.
Teach us how to care and not to care....this is the hardest lesson of all. To care for the right thing, for the right reason, and to not care too much for the things that blind us in this world. Once learned the peace will come.